In 2018 I will be releasing three new books, the contents of which have been written over a period of two years, informed as they are by a lifetime of being The Most Brilliant Woman in the World (TMBWW), which began when I was a mere child of thirty months.
TMBWW is not Hillary Clinton. We all know her friends have identified her as “the smartest woman in the room”, a title I will graciously allow her to have for two reasons. One: We’re never going to be in the same room together, and since the use of the word room is limited to a finite space and small stretch of time, I can, two: Be gracious as the victor and allow a small win for the vanquished.
Although, frankly, Hillary is like a camel getting its nose under the tent. She will take that small victory as proof that she is wanted and will continue to put on grand airs. Which is why she must continually be “kicked in the nose” like the camel who wants to get inside the tent and take over the bed. That is to say, she must be reminded of her place.
I am able and willing to do that. But let’s get back to the most important thing and why you are reading this: Me.
Every book must have something called “back matter”, pieces of marketing and snippets of quotes that, when one picks up a book and looks at the back cover, one reads and believes it is so brilliant one says, “I will invest in this book because it will fulfill its promise of…” whatever that promise is.
There’s a formula to producing back matter that matters. First, you got to have quotes from people that are recognizable to the general reading public. If their name is not known, then at least have a list of titles establishing their bona fides. Known name and impressive title list at the same time? Score!
The second thing is the paragraph that describes the author without repeating what would be anywhere in the interior of the book.
My upcoming books are all in need of back matter. In this, my faithful readers, I would like your opinion on what has been suggested to me as the back matter that matters. Here it is. Please feel free to email me with your opinion. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org. If I do not hear from you, I will assume you believe the back matter that matters works well as written and I will take your silence as a double thumbs-up to proceed.
— — — BEGIN BACK MATTER THAT MATTERS — — —
“If I were alive today, I would highly recommend you read this book by Angela K. Durden. It is no brag because it is fact that she is The Most Brilliant Woman in the World. I can say that because as The Most Brilliant Man in the World, at one time, I know excellent humor when I see it. Also, my good friends and faithful readers — Neal, Rush, and Sean — only wish they had the guts to write as she does. If I were alive today, I would be taking her on tour with me. Oh, to see the faces of those ticked-off politicians and social justice warriors when they would hear her opine humorously. Damn, I hate it that I’m dead. But since I am dead, and the world has not had another humorist such as me since that plane crash, I nominate Angela K. Durden to take my place. I am sure you will agree. Please give her your money as your ancestors once gave me theirs. You won’t regret it.”
No longer bookable because he’s dead,
but former highly paid actor, performer,
syndicated columnist, and expert lasso artist
“I apologize to the reader of this book that I, Mark Twain, dead these many long years, have not been given more space to write back matter that matters. So let me be quick for I shan’t much have time to say it any other way in this short space: The writings contained in these covers as written by my good friend Angela K. Durden — I would call her that if I was still alive — are a must read for all with any intelligence. Just like the many books and articles I wrote through the years that most politicians publicly smiled at but privately railed against, and which mantle of humorous social commentary was taken up by Will Rogers after I died, Angela K. Durden is today ably filling that huge sucking void. That is, she does a fine job of pointing out the foibles of those who take themselves so seriously they believe they have all the answers for everything and know better than you how to live your life.”
No longer writing because he’s dead,
but former world-wide celebrity, writer,
columnist, author, novelist, and
world traveler who loved his wife and kids
In one of her many public statements, Angela K. Durden noted that the reason she can get away with saying what she does is because she is a Southern Woman who looks like a school teacher yet knows how to fake sincerity. Prefacing her hard-hitting comments with words and phrases like Sweetie pie, Honey, Sugah, Bless your heart, and Oh, aren’t you just the cutest thing ever, Durden throws people off guard with sweet words and smiles, and by giving them the feather because they aren’t worth a whole bird.
Durden does not speak French, Spanish, or Greek, but she proves her love of multi-culturalism by uttering the phrases “Oui, oui, Monsieur”, “¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!”, and “Periménete, periménete, periménete … nai” when the time is right and the situation calls for it.
Angela K. Durden has been a humorist her entire life. Just ask her mother who always said, “You’re joking, right?” or her ex-husband who is well known for saying to her “Oh, you think you’re real funny, don’t you?”, and to friends and relatives “She thinks she’s a comedian.” (And now you know one reason why he is the ex, though her mother still thinks she jokes.)
— — — END BACK MATTER THAT MATTERS — — —