From henceforward I promise never to watch any movie with a two-or-less star rating on Netflix.
The movie description said “A married man hears about the disappearance of his college lover.”
Yay. I love mysteries. Which will it be?
She’s kidnapped and the police are asking for any information from the public so he has to think back on what he knows about her to see if he holds a clue?
Or he murdered her years ago and hid the body so well it’s just now been found and he’s reviewing what he did to see if the popo can connect him?
Or it’s his wife that did in his old lover because she’s a jealous psycho?
But no. Nothing so good as that.
He’s just remembering all the kinky sex he had with her before he met his wife who, by the way, is a bigger hottie than his old lover. Wifey gets pregnant when a condom breaks and we see that in all its gory glory.
I say gory because who wants to look at that mess, his awesome package notwithstanding, which by this time we are getting the drift that our antihero/porn star is proud of and is the only asset he brings to this movie.
At this time you may be snickering and thinking: Angela was watching porn on purpose! Who knew she was a kinky girl?
You can just get that leer off your face because the answer is no, Angela was not watching porn on purpose.
Where’s the fast-forward button? EWWWWW…must. get. to. THE MYSTERY. I love.
But there was no mystery for him to solve, get caught for, or have to hire an attorney for his wife.
So after the above two scenes — which by the way were separated by a baby crying, our antihero laying in the bed listening to his crying heir while having the appropriate dazed and confused expression on his face that said Is this baby really mine?, and a scene of him looking somewhat appropriately pensive about his old lover’s disappearance — why, they’re back at it again.
All this only took five minutes and the damn movie is almost three hours long. Who ever heard of a three-hour long porn movie? Isn’t everybody usually asleep after the first fifteen minutes?
So I thought, let me bump through the thumbnails on the timeline and see what’s coming up.
Damn. It was more of the same, and that is when I made the above promise to never again ignore a Netflix rating. Look, millions of people in the anonymousness of their living rooms cannot be wrong.
However, I keep getting reminded of this movie because will the thumbnail of it get out of my list? No, it won’t. What’s worse is the thumbnail, which did not show up until after I had watched it, is tongue wrestling meant to look all sexy but isn’t. It doesn’t even look artsy like these:
That just shows you how bad the movie is when they can’t even get a decent thumbnail picture to go with it when it’s submitted for distribution.
Netflix, thank you. I will never ignore those little yellow stars again.