This is one of those days. The kind where you’ve been productive.
Meeting challenge after challenge.
Working hard and working smart.
Smiling and thinking positive thoughts.
Staying up and staying on.
Then one phone call blows a hole in all your positiveness with what you feel is a massive betrayal but honestly isn’t; still it threatens everything you’ve worked for and done. You look at your to-do lists and your updated this and your implemented that and you recall the last four years, and see each day has been the same and where normally you’d feel proud that you’ve stayed on task, you question everything and you’re not proud of it now because where is the money?
You ask yourself, “Why the hell am I doing this? What does it matter anyway?”
Then to torture yourself, Facebook and Linkedin show all these damn smiling faces that are doing and out there making it happen and you, who have only been fooling yourself into thinking you are accomplishing and making headway, well, you see yourself as the biggest damn fool ever because somehow you thought that this is where you are supposed to be.
But God hasn’t seen fit to tell you why.
He hasn’t seen fit to tell you how you are going to survive.
And the despair — worse! the ego-destroying doubt — washes through you and sucks the very life out of your cells.
Where one hour before you were feeling good, now you cry and eyes get puffy and nose is red and you turn to your computer and you write.
Because words are the only faithful constant in your life. For a fact you know this is what God gave to you. And they bring comfort, more than a drug, more than a glass of wine, more than the love of a man who worships your body and your mind with all the talent and sincerity he possesses.
These words that come out of your fingertips wet with the tears that blur the screen in front of you, these are the only comfort you have.
There are only enemies at the gate and you are alone in the city, and you think, “Maybe this is as good as it gets for you, Girl.”
And you cry harder and you don’t want to pray because God already knows your heart so why bore Him with a story he already knows.
And for you, it’s just another long damn day and if that phone rings one more time with anybody needing anything from you because you are so smart and so helpful, you’ll scream.